Rishi Lurpak
Are you pissed off about the price of butter? Cost of living crisis getting you down? Are you hearing Guy Fawkes whisper sweet nothings into your ear at 3am in the morning again?
THE SOLUTION IS MATHS. ALL OF THE MATHS. MATHS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND TEA. THEN AFTER IT, MATHS IN EVERY ORIFICE! PLEASE SIR, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE MATHS? MMMMMMATHS.
Currently thousands of adults in the UK are suffering with Toryalysis, a rare form of sleep paralysis that is becoming more and more common. Sufferers find themselves unable to move, often in pitch black rooms and all report seeing the same eerie being. He goes by the name Rishi Lurpak and he has left many brits fearful to sleep at night, as he hovers above them holding onto their wallets, staring into the depth of their souls, harvesting them one by one into off shore bank accounts. Some people have woken up to empty cupboards and others have an insatiable appetite for the news quickly becoming void of empathy for others.
There's a pandemic of small children sleep walking and hiding pound coins in their socks. Nobody knows why or where they are finding the loose change and when their parents have questioned them, they are reduced to silence, often only able to draw what they have seen.. and they all appear to be drawing... you guessed it, Rishi Lurpak.
Only one child in the UK has been truly vocal about what he has seen and has become a national treasure since coming forward. When interviewed on his break at school, the brave 7 year old spoke for the thousands of children unable to. Timothy from Birmingham said "I was just looking for a snack in the fridge when a tub of butter fell on my head. When I reached down to pick it up and put it back before my mum noticed, that's when I saw him for the first time." He continued on to say "This little buttery man appeared and before I knew it, he was massive, well big, like a giant, but he didn't have eyes, he did but he didn't but he did, and he asked me to empty my pockets and wouldn't listen when I told him I didn't have any pockets because I was in my onesie. He then asked me if I knew what the square root of 65 was and when I told him I didn't know my times tables, he told me I deserved to be poor and made me cry." Timothy's mother refused to comment because she was too busy watching the news.
Legend has it that you recite "do you want some maths?" three times in a mirror, he'll appear but I wouldn't try it if I was you...
Details
- Made of durable cotton fabric with double-stitched bottom hem and sleeves
- Quarter-turned to avoid crease down the centre
- Available in Black and White